I was not so in the mood this morning as I go to school because "I don't feel like going" but still I did go :c
this past days my mind is changing rapidly. It's as if I don't know my self anymore :c. I try hard for things that I don't really like and I'm beginning to be a "stupid asshole" a "metaloid" or a "plastic" kind of person. I don't know how did I do it but I'm sure, that I'm like that now. I've never seen it at first but later on I found out that I'm just a "wannabe" I like to say things that I don't have and I don't usually do just to fit in. maybe this is just how things works for me. I'm not the me that I've known before. I'm changing fast :c.
I thought that a person don't really change 'cause they "evolve" just like the trees, the animals and every living things even the climate, I thought that it's not changing it's "evolving" maybe my little mind just don't want to accept the fact that the things happening now is a "change".
I was captivated by the saying of a famous person, hmm.. it's Albert Einstein I guess? or Is it somebody else? LOL the saying goes like this "the only permanent thing in this world is CHANGE" i taught that maybe he's right c: maybe it's not evolving like POKEMONS do, maybe it's really changing. the clouds, the air, the sea, me and you. we really did change A LOT. from a child i become what I am now. and you from before you became the you now.
I can still remember what I am before, I never expected that I will be like this. If Life is an exam i would like to retake it. I don't really hate my self that much but yeah, I hate it :c I'm sick of my self I don't like to be my self anymore. and there are times that I want to commit suicide or what so ever. I used to love myself but I've change and just few months ago that I really hate my self so much that i want to take away my own life.'cause I used to taught that I just want to take my life because I don't want it but I was wrong 'cause it's not that I don't want it I just don't like it.
I'm not an emo or what so ever :c I just don't like my life that's all, maybe I'm a little bit over acting but that's what I think of my self.
I don't really dislike God, I don't hate him because he gave me this challenges. and this Life :c I'm happy about it, I'm happy about this opportunity and I love him. If there's a reason why I'm still standing now is HIM, thanks for him I'm still here 'cause I don't want God to say to me one day that "Rolf, why did you waste your life?" I want him to be proud at me.
that's why I do good but I'm still not good, I'm not the best nor the great or the greatest I can only be ME.
And it's also bad to hate my self and my life so I should learn to love it. It's not too late for me to become what I want to become is it?
I just want to see God smiling at me if I go to heaven and I just want to hug him and tell him I love him the most and his the center of my life. maybe I'm not the me before but the only thing that didn't change is my Love for him.
so I should stop lying :c white lies and bad lies they're all the same they're lies :c so I need to stop it.
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